One bite at a time

So, last night I posted this semi-long post about beginning a different chapter in my journey with Bipolar Disorder II. The phrase, “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time” Was a new one to me, but I have heard it a lot in the last few days. Somehow it disappeared though.

I’ve taken lots of bites. Some for granted. Some I rejected. Or at times flat out refused to eat. Sometimes I just cried/whined about how big and heavy the elephant is/was and wanted to die.

I was diagnosed at almost 20 years old and here I am at 37 still working on finding what “works” as far as management. I was doing well with just meds for a long while once I found the right prescribing professional and the right med cocktail. But within the last year, my temper got shorter and shorter. I couldn’t tell if it was depression or what. So I started an antidepressant, something I strongly dislike. I understand the need for mood stabilizers, but I don’t like how I feel on antidepressants. They take away things that make me, me. As a mom of 2 and wife and full time employee/manager, keeping things in check is important so we tried the antidepressants and Xanax to help me sleep. We played with different doses. Nothing really helped. So now we are seeing if this is just an anxiety thing. Now that I’ve been completely off of my antidepressant for two weeks, my anger is definitely out and proud. So I pray that this anxiety med kicks in soon. I also have started counseling. Another thing I’ve kinda dreaded for a really long time.

My counselor seems nice. She understands wanting to treat my symptoms without additional medication. She understands that I have a path in my mind and heart. She gave me a list of “133 ideas for self care”. Starting a blog was on the list, so I started this. I know what I want for myself. I see a strong, healthy woman that is dedicated to her family, her church, with a college degree, learning more and getting stronger/better at her job. When I say healthy I mean eating better, exercising on a regular basis and getting back to running 5ks. I also want a healthy marriage, and we’re definitely not there. I fear we never will be. We both of demons to exorcise. We each have our own path, and I’m not sure they will ever walk side by side. I’m not sure honestly, they ever did.

Our daughter also is now in treatment for anxiety and moods. No, diagnosis. Lots of frustration, anger, guilt.

I went to Waco, TX the last week of November. I remember in reading a book that the writer had moments as that she realized she was just surviving her life. That’s all I’ve tried to do, for way to long. She chose to thrive and now has a life I don’t think anyone could dream of. I don’t want to survive anymore. Going from nightmare to nightmare trying to figure out how the hell we’re going to get through it. My goal is a life of thriving and seeking joy in Gods name. That being said, once I made that declaration and even put a symbolic tattoo on my shoulder the enemy started laughing and starting throwing horrible, unthinkable things at me. A friend jokingly compared me to Job. I don’t hold a candle to that dude, but its kinda almost felt like a watered down version. I guess anything worth it, is worth working for.

So here goes trying to becoming a Mentally Healthy Mama Bear. Working from the inside out. One bite at a time.