The last month has been very roller coaster like. Wrapping up March thinking about how it all went down. Blizzards, illness, historic floods and my father in law moving in because his house was damaged, issues with my daughter as we are trying to help her with her own mental health, insane work schedules, hair trigger tempers, marriage clashes and the beginning of a journey to get healthy to help with at least 5ish of said items.
I started therapy/counseling on Tuesday. So I’ve had a lot for my already constantly over analyzing brain to ponder. This week on top of worries about my daughter and some realizations or actually speaking thoughts to my counselor my marriage took an ugly cry meltdown.
My husband and I are very different people. He has his own mental health journey that I’ve begged him for so long to get help with and he has started, with a very reluctant heart. When my therapist asked me if I had a happy marriage, I explained our marriage as an I don’t know marriage. I see my path. I see my goals. I see me always wanting to improve who I am. I don’t see those things in him. I see him in the same spot and not wanting to move from it. So if one path moves forward while the other doesn’t, when, or do they end up next to each other with a future. After a week of very hurt feelings and anger and then that discussion it all came together in a nicely concocted crazy stew that left one hell of a hangover yesterday. I sobbed about my insecurity and the comments that had been made that were fuel on the fire. I know I should be content and capable of being my own cheerleader (1st comment that set emotion cyclone into motion), but I’m not. I have the confidence of a pebble. I don’t mean the badass rocks that took down Goliath. Being shot down to physical affection was another great moment of the week, and the final ingredient was comments about how we were parenting wrong that I took personally. Add all of those things, throw in seeing a friend for 20 years that I’ve missed and a counseling session where feelings are supposed to be addressed and I wound up sobbing on my shower floor Friday night. After I thought I collected myself but still feeling completely defeated, I climbed into bed. My husband came in and started playing on his phone. Before I knew it, I was crying til I couldn’t breath explaining how hurt I was. How angry I’ve been because of that hurt and that insecurity. I was in the middle of another full on ugly cry, maybe after an hour of the first one.
Yesterday after all of that crying, I woke to two very puffy eyes and a busy schedule. I did find joy in moments of it, but my heart is still heavy. No amount of caffeine could wake me up. Then after all of the activities planned for the day wrapped up, a train wreck of a headache turned migraine hit me head on, no pun intended. I think I laid in bed for 3 hours yesterday. I spent some of that time praying. There have been so many prayers lately. Then my mind started racing to how I could “self-care” my way out of the zombie state I found myself in.
Today, one kid woke up ill or not necessarily feeling well and my husband in bed with a migraine. Missed church, when I know that’s where my heart needs to be. I want to be filled with energy to work on organize the chaos of our life. Feeling as the ringmaster of our family circus, it is my circus, it is my monkeys, I need to get the monkey poop in a group. So I’m starting here first. If blogging/journaling is a self care tool I’m going to try and get things out now. Then maybe, I will go to church by myself at 1030. I want to open the anxiety book my daughter’s therapist gave me weeks ago and maybe get insight into myself as well as how to help her and things to discuss in her doctor appointment tomorrow. Clean and organize small things I see along the way. Breathe and put one foot after the next. The hangover has lifted. I pray yesterdays self-care tasks and those planned for today will help prevent another week that builds into another ugly cry, tear and snot filled eruption followed by worse than any drink or drug hangover.
God, you know I just typed helped me first, but deleted, because I said I want to say thank you more than that. Please be with those in need. Regardless of their needs, please. In your name, I pray. Amen
Mentally Healthy Mama Bear in Progress 