Claws are out, but I can’t reach my brain

Mental illness is a bitch. Sorry for the language but it flat out sucks beyond words. Its a living hell that no one should experience. My wonderful family of four has been smacked upside the head with the mental illness branch at many levels. Mama Bear, not quite stable herself can’t fight it. Can’t attack it back to protect her loved ones. Tonight, she ended up being the bad bear in the den.

A few years ago our beautiful, giggly little girl was diagnosed with ADHD, but several people, teachers and her father and I didn’t believe it. It didn’t add up in comparison to obvious cases that we knew of. Then a little while later she started being almost crippled with fear and anxiety. So then we thought, ADHD and bipolar are often mistaken for the other, and with Mama Bear being bipolar II, we started working on meds for anxiety and depression. That was May 2018. Here we are a few months shy of a full year and we are in a worse spot than we have ever been.

I took her to a psychologist today and she re-confirmed the ADHD diagnosis. So I’ve been desperately looking for answers, calling her prescribing doctor, looking through self help section of Amazon. Still so many questions. Still so much guilt that I’ve been pushing for medication for the wrong thing because I was so convinced it had to be bipolar. Metaphorically, clawing and attacking myself for anything that could be my fault. It didn’t help that she is mad at me too. I took her to counseling today and she doesn’t like counseling because “talking about her feelings doesn’t help”. She wouldn’t even sit next to me. My loving usually very cuddly 10 year old looked at me like I was a monster. I already feel like the monster that gave her faulty genes and not getting her the correct mental help. To see that look an was attack of the cruelest most painful I’ve experienced. So my own mental/emotional ragefest happened.

Now its time for sleepy time and prayers that the lord that is merciful and beautiful and faithfully good has this covered. We’ll continue to work for answers and the “right” solution. She’s forever my cub. God gave her to me to love and protect, I will do so with every breath I have, even when she starts to lash out and claw at me.