Bear Traps

There are many many different types of traps. I’ve fallen in a few today. My favorite though is over analyzing mood and mental health status. Am I happy or am I in trouble? Are my levels off? Have my meds stopped or are they actually working correctly for a change (been lots of changes lately)? Am I on a one bear mission to Mars? Its been two good days in a row. That can’t be right. I have had rough sleep and I’m less bitchy, what’s up with that? Good times, great oldies!

Then there’s the other obsessive thoughts. The really painful “what if” traps. What if I wouldn’t have gone to college? What if I had finished the one I did? What if that relationship had worked vs the one that’s barely hanging on some days now? “What if we both made the wrong choice in getting married? What if I had made this choice or that choice? I keep trying to remind myself of Ester and Jeremiah. “For I know the plans I have for you…” and “You were made for such a time as this” (prolly goofed that one up a bit). What if I haven’t heard God enough and I’m not on the right path? He doesn’t make mistakes, but what if I’m not following where he wants me to go, do, be?

I should be asleep right now. But I had caffeine way to late (I’m praying that’s why) and now I’m wide awake with a racing brain. Mood/mental health trap. Is this anothor sign? In a few hours I get to do something new. Coach a bunch of 9 year and 10 year olds in Volleyball. Not prepared. Not looking forward to it. But wasn’t able to say no.

Wishing my brain would let me sleep. Now its almost too late though. I pray I can make a nap happen later and I can maneuver around the traps I’ve been almost non-stop the last two weeks.

Lord, please quiet my thoughts. Remember more and more the words you have said in your book and to know I am where I am supposed to be. This is the life that you want me to have and that I need to keep following you and it. Help me help others that need you. In your name I pray. Amen