ATTACK!

Fighting. Somedays its all I feel I do. Fight for my sanity. Fight for my family. Fight my demons. Fight the enemy. I gotta be honest, ya’ll, I’m tired. Last night in my dreams, I even had the image of a bear fighting a crocodile. I woke up thinking WTF was that? Me being me though, I started to analyze it upon my next breath. There are many theories on dreams. One, that dreams are merely memories moving from one part of the brain to the next. Another, that there signs intertwined. My personal theory on it, was, now I’m literally fighting in my dreams through symbols.

This week has been a full of mental fighting. I saw my counselor and my daughter had a crippling panic attack and saw her prescribing mental professional. Tuesday, my counselor said something that has stuck in my brain. “She has her own team, and you are on it, but if your going to be the most effective teammate, you have to be healthy too. This is to help YOU get healthy.” Fine dammit I get it. I’m working on meditation, I’m got the workbook she talked about. I’m going to try to remember that conversation every time I feel like I’m starting to slip or deflect my attention to fixing my daughter instead of myself. Yesterday, we saw her LMP for her med switch because now we need to start treating her for ADHD instead of depression and mainly anxiety for a pre-bipolar diagnosis. Another battle to fight, but I know, I’m not ready.

I had a conversation with one of my best friends earlier in the week because I asked for prayers for my little. It turned into a deeper conversation than expected. I was told, that their little was in the hospital. The answer that little was given for pain that couldn’t be explained was to say “Jesus”. So yesterday I told my oldest cub the same. We both need all the tools we can get our paws on for our fights. We all need to say Jesus.

My family constantly is fighting or so it seems. I was so excited when Mama and Daddy Bear got married. It wasn’t a drama day. Things seemed to fall into place. It seemed easy. It feels like its been a constant fight or battle/shit show since. We “celebrate” 12 years in August.

So, now what? Say “Jesus”. Pray fearlessly knowing God is in our corner and with him I can go full on David against any Goliath. Learn to take care of myself more and some of what I thought was “self care” is actually more destructive. Learning what to do instead. Then being the best team-mate I can be for my amazing daughter and fight hard as hell against any crocodile attacking my family.