I’m am trying to navigate the waters of mental health. One of the things I’m praying to gain is the ability to speak when I’m upset. Right now, once the switch gets flipped, regardless if its too much or not (working on that too), I must walk away. I am silent. I am incapable of forming logical words that will resolve or be constructive in any disagreement or discussion. The bear will come out and anything will be a growl or roar. Right now, that’s causing additional damage in my relationship. My communication style or lack there of in the heat of the moment, is creating more strife.
In the thirteen years I’ve known and been with my husband I have never been able to communicate in a fight. It comes out as inaudible screams and tears. Right now, we are in a season in our marriage where to be blunt, are failing at multiple things. We are both trying to get a hold of our own demons and learn how to rise above them. We also need to be a team for our daughter who is only 10, and fighting her own demons and mental/emotional instability. Kinda a perfect storm situation for issues.
Physical presence does not equal presence to me. It does to him. It doesn’t equal participation to me. It does to him. Yes, I’m perfectly aware that we need couples counseling as well as whatever is going on individually, but until I’m in a better place, I can’t go there.
So, riddle me this batman. What is more deadly, a silent bear that needs to walk away and needs to breathe before she engages in any communication with her mate? Or a bear that sees red and is ready to come out swinging? Growling because she can’t speak and ready to tear or dismember anything in her path. What is going to be more damaging to my marriage and family? ‘Cause right now, a Mama Bear can’t win for losing.
Mentally Healthy Mama Bear in Progress 