Bear Hugs

Yesterday, I experienced one of the most terrifying events any parent going through. Thinking your child was missing. I received a text at 420 yesterday afternoon that my cub was gone. No one could find him or knew where he was. I darted out of my office and drove like a bat out of hell to one of his friends house the same time my husband showed up there too. He wasn’t there. I drove home and walked across the street to his other friends house. He wasn’t there. I stood in my driveway and screamed his full name like a crazy person. Nothing. I got back in my jeep and just grabbed my head. Where is he? Think like D. What would I be doing? This inner-dialogue was interrupted by the loud exhaust of my husband’s pickup. D was in the back seat. He found him a few blocks over. I took a huge breath and as I was going to open the side door to him, my son spewed with attitude, “What?! I said I was sorry! How many more times do I have to say it?” My desire to wrap him in my arms and hold him tight quickly turned into me wanting to ring his neck. So I didn’t do either and I told him to go in the house. With every step closer and into the house, more attitude came flooding out of him. It took all I could do to calmly tell him to go clean his room and do his chores and we will discuss the rest as a family instead of screaming back. More things were slammed and screams of how unfair I am were unleashed upon me. My cub was attacking me, like I would attack anyone coming at my cub.

I chose to not engage. I instead helped my daughter finish her history homework and wait for my husband to return home after his counseling appointment. We ended up having a blow out-ish yesterday, early afternoon, pre-lost child and coincidentally he had counseling last night (I do tomorrow). We calmly sat down as a family when he returned and all discussed boundaries and what is/isn’t acceptable. The fact that we were both calm and it appeared as a team discussion, seems like a no-brainer, but for me felt huge. My husband then sat at the head of the table and buried his head in is hands and then asked me to come talk in our room. As soon as the door was closed he wrapped me in his arms and hugged me as tight as he could. “I am on your team. I’m sorry if I have done or said anything to make you feel like I wasn’t. Small tears formed in the corners of his eyes and he said I would do anything for either of them and pointed to the room they were playing in. I would do anything for you.” The hugs continued.

Now for someone who looks in on this situation (and I have verbally been told by outsiders) it might look like an act. It might be a delusion he has told himself he needs to do and will then revert as soon as my guard is down. We sat and discussed that we need to learn how to communicate. That was a duh moment. But it felt as though my family started repairing itself. Today, I was so happy and relieved that I had a team-mate again, I told one of my best friends. I was met with doubt, “I give it three days. I need to stop talking to you because I have too many opinions.” Knowing the state of her marriage I wanted to fight back, but ya’ll, this bear is tired of fighting. I walked away and went back to my office, and started writing this. To try and make sense in my brain of WTF has happened in the last 24 hours. Anger, fighting, no resolution, lost child, feeling of peace and hope then this morning being met with doubt instead of “yay, that’s big for ya’ll”. That’s what I was kinda hoping for or expecting anyway. Not the case.

I get that I shouldn’t need “approval” or someone to agree with me that I’m making the right moves and someone else to see good in what happened last night. God was there. He was guiding us. I was thanking him as all of this was going down. To be met with doubt and disapproval, though was a terrible and hurtful feeling. My m.o. is always to attack when feeling attacked, but I calmly walked away. As I type though, I still feel hurt and disappointed that my friend wasn’t happy for me.

I’m going to try and focus on the bear hug I got last night, try to keep making steps forward and sing Eric Church’s song loud and proud, “I’m holdin’ my own”.