Bears have angels and demons too!

Last night in the process of working out, I hit my hard rock playlists. Last nights choice was Halestorm, and then the feeling happened. The enemy gave me a hit of that beautiful, horrible, addictive drug/sin through my veins that made my head spin and heart beat faster and of course made me want more. Making me want to sing at the top of my lungs all of last night and this morning. Imagining myself as Lzzy Hale on stage. Being wanted, adored, being the bad girl.

I make jokes or comments that bipolar and schizophrenia HAVE to be linked somehow, because I have different personalities. The one I was originally was focused on (before I went to the gym) was getting healthy and praying and seeking God and remembering his timing. Wanting to follow the Lord and seek success in serving him and in the assignments he has given me.

Then music came into the picture and it flipped the switch. The 24 year old that was at the bar every weekend, writing rock songs about how broken she was came out. How great addiction felt. How craving being wanted in any way possible was glorious. Music I guess in general flips a switch, just depends on what personality gets hit. I changed my playlist back to Christian music awhile ago, because I know that wonderful, craving feeling is the enemy. It makes me want to seek fame, not faith. Sex appeal not health. Lust not love. It erases the part of my brain, and heart for that matter that wants a healthy, happy, God-filled family. I have it in my brain that I can’t have both. Music and my Family. I don’t know if its correct or not. I just know that wicked feeling that I found last night and this morning was like a shot of the right drink that makes you want more was coursing through my veins like lightning.

I’m sure that part of what helped it’s success was a rejection. I need to remember though, is it wasn’t a rejection it was a change in path, or a yield sign on my current path. It’s not the break up, self medicating, constant fucking up 24 year old, that wanted nothing more than to be wanted. To feel that sweet sin coursing through her veins. Instead of cursing and throwing up my hands, I need to fold my hands, kneel and say thank you for everything I have.

So Miss/Mister Angel and Miss/Mister Demon, you need to get off your ass! So I can dust off and fluff up the fur on my shoulders and keep going. Thank you, God, for helping me know the difference and helping me look for faith instead of falling further into sin. Amen