Big Daddy Weave is a christian artist that released the above song title. Its always got me thinking about my story. Before and after my new found relationship with God. There are parts that are definitely not pretty but some are absolutely beautiful. On Sunday we went to dinner after a ball game and there were these questions. “What is your favorite memory of me?” It stuck with me.
Last night and the few days previous I’ve been inspired by those who chased the impossible and it made me think that where I am sitting right now, felt like the impossible, and where I want to be seems impossible too. One woman said that she wrote out every dream she had. One of my favorite comics talked about following your passion. I guess I just needed to write out my thoughts on all of it. What are my goals now? Whats my passion or driving force now? Whats my story and what do I want it to be?
When I graduated high school, I had the idea that I wanted to go into radio but I wasn’t sure. I mean, you get to play music and talk all day, how could that be bad. The first time I walked into Kat103 I was a freaking anxious wreck and then within minutes my heart was beating for an entirely different reason. I was instantly at ease and had an overwhelming sense of “this is where I belong”. When I went to college I thought all I was planning on doing was playing music and talking, but then I started learning the business side of it, and was intrigued by the Program Director spot, now known as my current title, Operations Manager. I also fell completely in love with the creative aspect of making commercials and promos. I succeeded quite easily then, when I was focused. Then I let another dream mess alla that up. I had never dated. I hadn’t been popular. I hadn’t “partied”. 3 hours away from home sounded like a great time to try it all out. The enemy got into my heart without me knowing it, and I threw away all of my radio career dreams. Ironically, now all I do is the business and creative side of it, and I don’t actually talk on the radio and play music. In what I do though, I get to help the dreams of small business owners and others make their business dreams come true. I get to help them. I didn’t realize how important to me that was until now. Its inevitably a big reason why we stayed in Fremont when Jeremy was laid off. He wanted to move away and I couldn’t. I couldn’t walk away from my dream/passion, again.
I didn’t have a relationship with God. I had a reverence for him. I had tear filled moments where I begged for help. But I’ve never had the relationship I do now, and I wouldn’t have that without another of my greatest passions in my life. Being a mom. I want to be there for them and help them anyway I can. I want to advocate for them. I want to help them develop a relationship with God, so they have that, when the world goes sideways and when it doesn’t. I know want or am passionate about my faith and growing it in myself too. I want to help with the church. I want to fill my story from here on out, with Him.
I also have the passion/dream of advocating for mental health. I have been through hell. The enemy done tap danced on every square inch of my brain and back again. I’ve been prescribed and over-prescribed and under prescribed and ignored. I’ve hurt myself in multiple ways. I’ve tried to end my life. My current faith would have been helpful then. An advocate would have been great then. I’m passionate about helping and advocating for all of the people I love and have yet to so they never go through the hell I did.
But then there’s the “business” side of taking care of myself so I can do all of these things. I’ve fallen short of that so many times. Its a lesson I’ve been taught many times but yet, still don’t necessarily learn. I’m trying. I’m praying.
What do I want my story to look like? I want to be on air! I want to be the best damn operations manager possible. I want to be confident in all of that. I want to be the best damn mom I can be. I want my children to know how much and impossibly I love them. I want to lead by example that they can accomplish anything they put their heart and a few brain cells into. I want them to have faith beyond all understanding. I want to be healthy. Physically, mentally and spiritually.
Lord, thank you for my story. What its been and whatever is ahead. Thank you for all of it, because it all lead me to where I am today. I pray to find your path for me or continue on as I go to seek and rely on you. In your incredible name I pray. Amen.
Mentally Healthy Mama Bear in Progress 