I didn’t protect my Cub

As I’m typing this, I know that its not the right time to open up about this again. I got some advice about the life skill of compartmentalizing emotion and only opening the boxes at one time of day. Instead of letting the trauma fill your brain and take over your life. Enter me. Here. Right now. The compartments are overflowing, so are my tears and I feel so sick. I’m praying that will every fiber of my being that even though its way before 840, if I start re-hashing this mess, it will feel better.

Last week, someone on a social media app, targeted my daughter. My sweet little girl was sent pictures on an app I didn’t know she had that no ten year old should see. He told her to do things she didn’t understand. He told her to video herself to send to him. He threaten her so she wouldn’t stop or tell. Then she did just that. She was silent until days later when my husband and I found out by seeing them. Lord, Jesus, just typing this makes me sick. We went to the police. We have assured her so many times that she’s not in trouble. She didn’t do anything wrong. But here mama did. Her mama didn’t protect her. Her mama agreed to giving her the damn phone, when her gut told her no. Her mama didn’t think she needed to worry about anything like this, and yet, here we are. I spent the rest of last week in shock. Numb. Guilt was there, yeah. Anger, a little. Mostly, numb. My faith seemed so far away. I felt, still do a little for that matter, like I’m floating outside of my body. I failed my little girl. Mama Bear didn’t protect her cub and can’t attack the one who attacked her. On the top ten of the worst sentences a parent should ever have to say, I failed my child.

I was so focused for months on being the best me and improving who I am, that I neglected my most important job. A mom. I’ve looked up the steps to recovery from crap like this. I seem to be on track. Yay! Its normal to feel like a piece of poo poo and wanting to crawl into a spherical like object and decompose. This year in particular, I recall being very determined and focused on fixing/improving. When this happened, I jumped into fix mode even though I still didn’t know what all was broken or if my heart, even, was still beating, since I was so numb. Now the grief is pulling me in.

Lord, Jesus, Christ Almighty, I beg to you. Help me. Deep down I know you are. Logically I know you are behind the scenes and only will allow good to happen and your plans are better than my wildest dreams. But right now, I can’t. You seem so far away. Please Lord. Hear my prayers.