After one of the longest, hardest but most “growing” years of my life, we have entered the season that I truly truly struggle with. Even when life isn’t throwing flaming shitballs at me non-stop, I dislike this time of year. The stuff. The exhaustion. The expectation. The disappointment. The hurt. To quote my other spirit “The noise, noise, noise…” I have said multiple times and continue to state 2019 can’t get the f*#! out soon enough.
This year has been different and even in the dislike a season of growth. My 10 year old, showed me that either through us teaching her or through therapy that she recognizes she has limitations. She had the ability to tell us no when it came time for one more thing. In that moment, she was my hero. I felt extreme pride for that little girl, especially when I’m not a great model of that. I think she gets that from her dad. As a Mama with mental illness all I want is to give my daughter, that has a similar host of challenges all the tools possible so that she doesn’t follow in my footsteps, and forges a path of her own, healthfully.
This season also opened up an opportunity for spiritual growth that has become more precious to me than words. I always want to grow in my faith. My number one goal that I write down almost every single day is, “I am an exceptional daughter of Christ.” Our church, challenged us and has guided through social media, us to read the book of Luke, this holiday season. I’ve only ever read one complete book in the bible as an adult and it was Ruth, because it was one of the shortest. Time with the word is something I want more of. Anyways, in this, my Children have read part of these passages to me. My part has exploded with love. They have fundamentally changed my faith. Every single part of it. Another time, they were my hero.
One night last week and last night I spent time on putting together gifts. I was putting my energy in to creating things for others. I want them to know I appreciate them. They aren’t huge flashy gifts, but they come from my heart. Parts of them came from the store, but they came from a Grinchy heart that is in a season of growth. Whether its 3 times its shriveled size because of the “noise” of the year and the emotion toll that has happened. There’s still alot to do. I know we’ll get it though.
I’m still extremely ready for the New Year. A new decade. The start of this year feels different. Not a grand list of plans to accomplish in one single year. But the energy to get up, every single morning and move forward. The only goal is to wake up each morning and make that day the best possible day I can as the best person or Mama Bear, I am. My pursuit of joy that I started 2019 is over. I find joy in something every day. I will always work towards that. Now the rest is just making the best life I can with the faith, prayers, tools and love I have. I don’t know how large a Mama Bear’s heart is but even in this year of abuse is the only word I can think of, it’s grown the same way the Grinch’s has.
Bring it 2020! I’m roarin’ ready to go!
Mentally Healthy Mama Bear in Progress 