I’m afraid as I type this it will appear as I’m down. I’m not sure I am. I’m honestly not sure on the Russian Roulette Emotion Wheel where I find myself. I know there have been sleep disturbances. I know there has been hella work and family stress. I know all of these things can effect bipolar like a sledge hammer through a glass vase.
I’ve felt physically ill since Saturday. I don’t know if it was mental or actual. I know my son had the same symptoms as part of what I was going through, so I want to believe its real, but again, mental health is a bitch! Exclamation Point! When you feel physically ill, what do you do? Grab a blankey and a pillow and rest. Right? Problem is (f bomb about to be dropped)…it fucks with your head. Am I sick? Am I depressed? Am I cycling? Am I not taking care of my body? I told myself I wasn’t going to go down this road and I was going to stay on top of it. Why are my thoughts so loud? Why can’t I follow my own damn train of thought. Focus! Etc… Feeling sick and crazy is a special kinda hell.
I told my husband last night, I’m tired of feeling like crap. When in fact its only been a few days, recently. I’m generalizing months, that in all honesty haven’t been that bad. I’m frustrated. I need to lose weight for my joints that don’t like me at this weight and want be free to do their thang. I want to run, I want to cycle (literally). I want to swim. I want to not hurt with every step I take and even sometimes as I sit. Its hard to lose weight when you really can’t have your weight on your joints. So, what action steps have I taken, because I have learned you can’t sit on the sidelines waiting for shit to change. You gotta be the change. I’ve changed my intake of water, by a lot! I average a gallon a day. I’ve done really well at cutting one thing at a time out of my diet, I’m just not leaving it cut out after my 30 days is up. I’m getting there. My supportive husband, told me to see a dr for help. We cannot afford another bill. Our insurance is terrible. I know I’ve told him more times than I can count that physical health is more important than money and that we can’t safely and securely have one without the other. I’m being a hypocrite right now, because I don’t want to cause my family another damn medical bill. Another step further in debt. I’ve reached out to a friend. To at least listen and hopefully guide me. She’s positive and seeks health and was part of a different journey I was on years ago. One that unfortunately didn’t last. I know, I need this one to.
So sitting in front of my computer, typing this, thinking that the title might not be accurate. I don’t feel sad. I feel anxious. I feel like I’m being judged for being sick, even though, that might not be reality. I know I shouldn’t give a tinker’s damn what others think of me (shout out to raerae, knowing there is no earthly way she’s reading this, that anyone is probably reading this). Other peoples opinions are none of my business. I know that I need to focus on what I do know is real and truthful. So I’m going to drink my stupid water. Watch for obvious mood changes or other signs that I’m swinging. I’m going to reach for the tools I have, for helps and tips on how to get more of my journey locked and loaded and full steam ahead.
One of the most important tools I have for myself is my faith. I know that some view faith as ignorance. That I truly don’t give a tinker’s damn about. My God loves me, as I am. Off top. My God means love. I need to surrender more of my journey to him because I do know that he knows and will lead me to the best life I can have. I believe every person on this planet deserves love and respect. Race, gender, sexual preference all of it. My Lord is love and wants me to love others as he loves me. I know that I am ignorant at times and I judge and shouldn’t. I am a creature of sin. The Dude I love upstairs is gonna fix all of that. I need to love myself as best as I can, like he loves me. Love the people I know and don’t to the best of my ability. And keep moving forward. Once I start on my knees with my hands folded. I can’t do this without Him.
I’m blessed. There is good in my life. Even in moments right now, where my brain isn’t registering it. When my heart is anxious and numb all that the same time. When my brain is racing and I’m trying to figure out how to focus it. If there is anyone reading this, I hope and pray that your world is a good place or that at the very least you can find good in it. That you reach for positive even when its dark as hell. Its pretty gray where I’m sitting. But perspective isn’t reality. Show love ya’ll. Especially to yourself. I’m trying. Signing off, how my funny, kind, loving, smart and crazy baby bear would. Peace!
Mentally Healthy Mama Bear in Progress 