I’ve said before, I know, and will remind myself as well as anyone who will listen that messed up sleep cycles and severe stress is a perfect storm for anyone with bipolar. I’ve tried to figure out if I was depressed or not for a few weeks, then Saturday, I snapped. I grabbed information from work that I’m going to “work” from home all weekend and teach myself all the things and nothing is going to stop me. Then when I thought the adrenaline had worn off, because I felt a wave of exhaustion, I closed me eyes for approximately 5 minutes and my heart was about to explode. I was struggling to breathe. My brain had so many random thoughts attacking at once that I had no idea what to do. Some how the idea of a “brain dump” popped in. I thank my Heavenly Father Almighty, it did. I grabbed a notebook and proceeded to scribble 12 pages of shaky randomness. I showed this to my husband and he said, “I’m worried, your going manic.” F-bomb with a million explanation points.
Mixed episodes are a thing. I can’t remember off the top of my head or having one specifically standing out as an example of one. Is this that? My family dynamic is definitely being challenged. I’m currently in the middle of my biggest professional challenge right now. My husband is battling a toxic employment situation that I think we finally have corrected. We are struggling with what feels like basic parenting principles. Finances suck! Now is not the time for me to visit Mars (my idea of a manic high) nor the depths of hell (depression). An anxiety diagnosis I received last year, was the first in my mental health journey. It was kinda a DUH moment, but still, I’m learning the ins and outs of its piggyback to my bipolar. I am a high functioning bipolar person. What happens when I don’t function though.
I also, didn’t want the changes that I’ve felt in my personality be reduced to a simple chemical change in my brain and that its gonna just go away once levels return to my version of normal. I’ve felt more like me, at times, in the last six months, than I think I ever have. I don’t want that to be a figment of my mental illness. I can’t to my core believe that.
One of my best friends admitted to me last week, they are struggling with some mental health issues, truly to this level for the first time in their life. Not bipolar, but something they thought they were always strong enough to not challenge them. My heart broke. I’ve always been frustrated when they hinted to dismissing the reality of mental/emotional challenges. They have now been faced with their own demons. All I could think was how much I wanted to hug them. No one should feel any of this. Bipolar, depression, anxiety, ocd, schizophrenia, etc are all decedents of the devil and born straight from hell. Satan’s squad incarnate.
When my husband said the word manic, it shook me to my shoes. I started going through notes I’ve stored in the corners of my mind, looking for ideas on how to come down if this is/was a thing. I did a few more brain dumps. I went to my “self-care” list. Sunday I started to feel a little more level. I continued my “self-care” list. Yesterday I was back to battle mode for sanity because of my work climate right now, BUT, just like how proud I was of forcing myself to shut off a few weeks ago, I am roughly 40 hours away from leaving for a few days with my husband. To recharge our marriage, to recharge ourselves, to dream of the future, to plan accordingly and be ready for those challenges we feel we’re currently drowning in.
Today I feel like I’ve made traction. I feel more level than even a few days ago. I fear its more of a mix blah, but we’ll see. As we say in the media…stay tuned.
Mentally Healthy Mama Bear in Progress 