Bear on Bear. Except one Bear is anxiety, and she is a mother that packs a wicked ass punch. I saw parts of a tv show last night (I don’t typically watch tv) and there was literally a Mama and Baby Bear. Mama, kicked ass and took names. While that Mama was ferocious and a powerful force, this Mama Bear was under attack, too. I started having chest pains that made me feel as the TV Mama Bear was ripping my heart out. Anxiety.
My husband hasn’t seen that side of me much. At least not to that extent. The fact that it came out of nowhere was stranger still. I was sitting in a somewhat calm state. Its a fairly new path in the land of bipolar wackadoodle. He was concerned. He put his heart rate monitor on me and it was over 120 bpm at one point. The truly terrifying part is that I couldn’t pin point the cause. Yes, life is stressful right now, but when isn’t it? Once more I’m only letting him see this side right now, knowing full well that won’t last. I’m fearful though, it will be seen as a weakness and somehow/someway, I will be judged. Why do I worry about that? The only opinion whom’s matter is my Creator. I’ve been trying to stop being a people-pleaser and have weird day dreams where I’m telling people that don’t like me that I don’t care, and yet here, in my 2nd home, I worry I will be thought of as weak, unreliable and dismiss-able. Even when the logical part of my brain says their opinions don’t matter, you are relied upon, you are a big part of the success of where you are, you are great at what you do. You are a hustler and your workplace has truly become a second home to you and your little bear family. You are loved. You are respected.
This type of chest pain is what lead me to my anxiety on the side diagnosis a year ago. Unfortunately I haven’t either used enough tools or taken care of myself any better to avoid this.
I work in the world of media. At times it is slow and all is well-ish. Then, there are times like now. Where we are truly a 24-7, on your toes, high alert at all times, perfect storm. Last year our little midwest town became an island. For over the last week, we’ve been fighting flooding again. Thank you, Lord Jesus, not to the point it was a year ago. We can all see that it could happen again, though. There are other times of year that are busier than others, naturally (of course its now), and my family is in the middle of a job shift/hour change with Papa Bear.
I’m so happy that he has found a new job and pray with my stabbing, painful heart that this is a key to help him unlock happiness and his own mental health. With those changes come family changes too. Life changes. Different vehicles. Now driving a distance and not 10 minutes away. Different work week schedules. Different daily schedules. I will go from my super early day and him 8-5 to flipping roles. Its all change. That’s a stress-or too, right?
I’m trying to troubleshoot my chest pain. I know what it is. That’s the first step. Last night when I got home I took a warm shower and prayed. I took a Xanax. I did breathing exercises. Woke up this morning to nausea from lack of sleep and by the time I walked into my office, my heart was racing and pangs were coursing through my chest.
In the last few weeks when I’ve thought that overwhelming stress was leading to an anxiety/stress ultimate smackdown, I started implementing a “brain dump”. Its worked for that symptom. I’ve carried a notebook or some writeable surface with me everywhere I’ve gone and if its crossed my brain its gone down on paper. I’m exhausted by I know I need to try to avoid caffeine as much as possible. I’m listening to ambient music. I have my Xanax in my bag if it gets too bad. I’m just afraid that will knock me out, and that’s not an option right now. 8pm tonight, bring on sleepy time like a Mack Truck.
I pray for your help Lord, I always need you, but right now I really really do!
Mentally Healthy Mama Bear in Progress 