Unzipping

This post is continuing on with yesterday’s long ass diatribe. See, already discounting myself. Blah. This is along the same theme of unpacking my “stuff” to try to get better. I wrote in my goals/dreams down. I did a list of gratitude. I’m almost finished with my coffee so now its time to start with water. I need to take Charlie Brown for a walk to hopefully get 30 minutes of movement in. I’ve read my daily devotional and spoke to a friend about faith. Now what?

Yesterday and today I started day dreaming about my 40th birthday. 1 year and roughly 3 months away. I have told Jeremy for years I want a party. To celebrate surviving when some of my actions shouldn’t have let me get there. But with whats going on in the world, will a party even be possible? What do I want it to look like? Who will I want there? I picture my back yard, landscaped to my desire. Lights everywhere. Something about lights hanging on a patio feels magical. On the potentially shallow end of the spectrum, I picture wearing a casual denim skirt and a tee shirt saying est in 1981. I picture short curly blonde hair. I picture being healthier. I was about to type skinnier but thats not an actuate. I want to feel strong and secure and confident. I picture Jeremy trying to find comfort in this, but not being comfortable at all. Janet and Chris Prime. Maybe Madonna and Cory. Brett and Kelly. Lacey and Jeff. Maybe Doug. Mashea. Donnie, I pray, and whomever he may be dating. Maybe a lot of other people. It will no doubt be John C Fremont weekend, so who knows how that will play out with the guest list. I picture a strawberry pineapple birthday cake. I picture cornhole and maybe yard jenga. I picture laughing and smiling. I picture joy.

Back to reality, I’ve already put some time in at work and have more to do. I’m groggy. Coffee didn’t help. I just want to go back to the bed I just made. When I was writing out my 10 dreams, everyday, a bachelors degree ends up on the list. I’ve already talked to Janet about classes. I doubt I will get that by 40, but I will make it happen. I have other parts of my life I need to figure out and lock down before I add something like that to my short term/full attention list. My faith needs to grow so that I go to it first to deal with situations. Then my health. Walking the last week-ish has made me feel stronger. More sore at times. A knee flat out pissed off at times. But stronger.

Thats another daydream. Running. Picturing myself putting on my shoes. Wearing a tank and shorts and feeling strong and confident. Going for a run. I picture a dirt road. I picture a gym. Like the movie from earlier this week, I picture a finish line. If the world is spinning in a closer to the normal we all think we miss fashion, I’m supposed to walk a mile in November for the veterans. I want to run it. I want it to be a 5k and not a mile. But I don’t want my crutches back. I don’t want another set back. I picture doing a color run with Goldilocks.

Our church is having their Palm Sunday service in 30 minutes. Time to worship. Say thanks. Hopefully have special moments with my kids. Celebration. I’m trying to unzip all the crap on my chest. I’m trying to get my mind right. If my mind and heart aren’t right, nothing else is gonna follow. I’m trying to figure out how to let go. To lay it all at my Father’s feet. My life is in his hands. Whether its a birthday or a 5k. His plans will always exceed my dreams. “Nothing gonna knock me down” (the We are Messangers playlist continues). My God has it all.