In full transparency I’m not expecting anyone to read this. I have so many thoughts running through my head that the easiest way to get them out and hopefully unpack some of them is to type them out. I’m creating a life I didn’t truly believe was possible for myself. I was pulling weeds in the front yard this morning. Frustrated that I let it get so overgrown and ugly looking. Knowing my parents have everything at their home perfect. Knowing, I want a property like that takes work, fearful that 1-I won’t get it and 2-that I won’t give it the love it deserves. As I pulled a week here and then there I started thinking of myself as a weed. How 10-15-20 years ago I would feel like I was a weed. Ugly, taking over, annoying, an accident and life would be better if someone would pull me out. Let me be very clear, I don’t think that now. I do think that some of the crazy that rolls around in my kaupf is the enemy, spreading lies like those weeds. Trying to stretch everywhere and choke out real life and love and fill the rest with a mess.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be overly successful and find fame and adoration. Sing, write a book, anything. People to praise me and tell me how wonderful I am, because I sure as hell can’t see it. I expected the people in my life to love me so that the pieces that feel are broken and worthless would come together. They would complete me as a person. My happiness was their responsibility. I didn’t realize I was expecting it. It wasn’t intentional. My daydreams, always dream of that one person that I thought could fix all of it. Give me all the joy in the world, etc. If I was unhappy in my real life, my imagination would send in a knight in shining armor to love me into a lifetime of constant joy. Bless.
I’m becoming a person I didn’t know I needed or wanted to for that matter to become and a life that beats those daydreams. Now I need to figure out what to daydream about, because I know the only people that can make me truly happy are myself and God. Knowing how much I’ve already changed and the growth I pray continues, part of me wants to renew my vows with my husband. To take the expectations I put on him when we got married. Another part of me though, can’t. My faith has grown beyond anything I realize I always wanted and he is still agnostic. He does things and attends events for me and for our children, but I can’t make that promise again, without faith in both of our hearts and our marriage re-built around it. Life is not a movie. Its not a love song or story. I need to continue to find love in myself. Self worth and more grace. Grace upon grace and full of faith.
Mentally Healthy Mama Bear in Progress 