Ok. Weird title. This has been a tough few weeks and I was going to post on Facebook about everything. Then as I was mentally composing it this morning, I realized it was way too long and in depth to unpack in a little blip. So here we are.
I was going to post a picture of a nut. Like nut and bolt kinda thing. A piece of hardware. Its sitting on my keyboard right now. A reminder I can do hard things and that I have survived. This week has been technical hell. I’m not an engineer or IT kinda bear and I don’t play one on tv. Usually anything that requires the basic knowledge of either profession fills me with more anxiety than the contents of a hot air balloon in flight. As of the end of May most of the tools I have in my arsenal to put out the technical failures of my work environment, went away. The whole sink or swim thing. So how does a bear learn the backstroke, down a river, with rapids, etc.? You get the idea. I’ve had 5 equipment failure/fires in 4 days. I love my job. I dreamed of this career on and off since I was 17. The building is a second home. My people are truly my second family. My devotion to all of it is has me like a circus act on a unicycle on a high wire. I don’t know Hugh Jackman and doubt I ever will (Greatest Showman reference. Love that musical).
Anyone with a mental health illness knows that there are times that multiple illnesses hold hands, skip, hop and jump all over the inside of your brain. My bipolar 2’s bestie is anxiety. With the last business week occurring I’ve reached for some of my not so great coping mechanisms. I talked to my dr the week before and didn’t like her solution and didn’t really explore much of any other positive/productive options. Food and last night I broke four months of sobriety. I’m not an alcoholic but I know its not a great idea with the med cocktail I take everyday to keep me on planet earth. I am totally an over-eater and now have multiple health conditions because of it. With bipolar and anxiety’s relationship thriving they’ve brought along another oldie but a goodie, depression to the party.
One of my favorite things that I look forward to and find peace in is being outside. Duh, bear, wilderness. Makes sense right? I took a few days off of work that is a HUGE trigger and rave location for my psychological issues, lately. My fam went camping. I was so focused on it being perfect, frustrated when it wasn’t and feeling better I completely sabotaged it. My dr appt was a zoom while we were still at the lake and I bawled. I couldn’t conceal the crowd that was out of control in my furry noggin. She recommended adding more meds. Cutting an anxiety med in half. The first two days I followed the new procedure I felt like a zoned out zombie that embodied a numb, sobbing sloth. There was no roar to be found. I know the drill long enough to know meds take time. And there is a very strong possibility that if I had keep going this week wouldn’t have been as bad, but I didn’t. I stopped. We’re going to revisit that option though. Gonna start with a 1/4 a pill and see if I still have the effects, until I can get a little closer to the earth an not just barely existing in the atmosphere.
I know, I need to get my butt back in counseling. Financially its difficult. Physically its disabling. Emotional its debilitating. I know that I need to go through it though, so that I don’t want to crawl under my desk and assume the fetal position every other second. Eating my way through my pantry or killing a bottle of wine like I did last night. I know so much. I want so much. I’m so exhausted. Drained. I don’t know how to ditch the anchor around my fur so I can be the best Mama Bear I can be. Lord, please help me.
Mentally Healthy Mama Bear in Progress 