I talked in my last post about the word I chose for the year was “restore”. I have done nothing, for the most part, but gone in the opposite direction or surface level anyway. The more I analyze my behavior I’m not sure if it falls into being “restorative” or not.
I asked for a demotion at work. Let me write to you at first it felt like the biggest relief and then when then steps involved came to fruition, I was crippled with self doubt, depression and feeling like to be honest, and bad language comin’ up, a piece of shit.
Yesterday, I shut down. I was excited to go on a date with my husband, and we got to a point where we were in the middle of chaos and I broke down. A swirl took off in my brain and I ended up in the fetal position in the back of my mind. I spent most of the rest day in bed. I still feel lethargic today. But I’m trying to “restore” my health, by drinking water and I brought clothes so I can walk after work. I’ve read my devotional. I’ve done the things or at least started the things that helped me feel better.
I made the mistake of going online last night. I saw a rant and responses of at one point, my favorite people that I thought was helping my success a year ago. She showed a very clear view of a side of her that I was quite certain was there. The side that lead my spidey senses to break up. I did learn things from her though, and I’m trying to incorporate those lessons to see if they will help me restore the joy, I’ve wanted for almost 3 years.
Here is a break down of the things going down. A new house. Moving June 1st. How this is “restorative”? We are moving to a neighborhood that has been home for most of my life. I have space for every single member of my family. The street name maybe spelled different but it reminds me everytime I say the address or look at the street sign I’ll be reminded of God’s Armor. I am in the neighborhood of two women that I love so much that I can’t wait to grow that support system. We are 2 minutes away from my parents. We are 5 minutes away from Jeremy’s Dad. One of the “visions” that my ex-life coach encouraged was me running on gravel. I didn’t think that was going to be a possibility, but my home is less that a minute away from dirt. Where are my shoes? Exercise working out helps. It heals. It processes. It completes the stress cycle. It RESTORES. Changes in my job. Again, as they start to go down I feel like a trash person. A failure. I’m supposed to push, hustle be my best. Show my kids they can do anything. I can’t do everything. Jeremy told me, that as long as our kids know, how much, we love them and we put them first then I’m not a failure. Restore-My kids and how the people I know and love know how much I love them, is all that truly matters. God has blessed me beyond words and the creations he’s placed in my earthly care is what matters. My ego needs take a long walk off a short cliff. Time to untwist the fur.
Yesterday I realized my grand plans (that have evolved over the years) to celebrate my 40th are a bust. Surprisingly I realized its for a reason. Not my plans/my will but yours. I’ll be at church the night I’m supposed to be drinking and being stupid, but he is leading me to his house instead. Not gonna fight him. Its gotta be for a reason. How selfish to want to throw myself a party anyways. Instead of being bummed I was, oh, ok. Well guess that won’t happen.
It might be in the opposite way I’m thinking, but I think/pray this bear is restoring her fur and returning to her home. Just gonna take time. I got about 8 months to figure more of this out.
Mentally Healthy Mama Bear in Progress 