Right now, I’m bear crawling. I attack stressful situations and I do the thing that needs to be done to get it done. Short term. Then I’m so exhausted, I end up in bed for 18-20 hours. This post and the journals/planners in front of me are me standing back up. Do the thing. You know your goals. You just wrote them all out.

I am an exceptional daughter of Christ.

I am an exceptional wife and mama.

I weight 150lbs. Without joint issues.

I don’t take anti-anxiety or sleep meds.

I’m On Air.

We are financially secure.

We are planted where God leads us.

We travel and work on our “couples” bucket list.

I have my tattoos and removals.

I am very proud of myself for earlier this week shutting everything down and saying I was done. My brain couldn’t process anymore. I think I need to figure out ways of processing so that it doesn’t get to that critical level of oh dear Lord help me I’m a gonna lose it. This is all a learning processes. But I need to get back up.

I’m supposed to meet with a trainer Tuesday. He goes to our church, and I should have gone to church today to see him. Talk to him. So much of what he does, I’m envious of. He’s healthy, obviously. He plays guitar, he’s on our praise team. I truly believe that so much of my other goals will find traction once my health gets in check. But I feel like i’m running a losing battle. Scratch that, I can’t run. I’m bear crawling through my battles. I need to get back up.

I’m going to finish this post. Finish my tea. Go get a drink thingy full of water and get moving. I’m supposed to designate a song as my go to pump up jam. Today all I could think of was this slow melodic “Stand Back Up”, so its time to look in my music webs and find something that will be the bear necessity, to get up and shake my tail even. Movement. Water. Prayer. All of it. Help me Lord Jesus. Amen.

I’m afraid as I type this it will appear as I’m down. I’m not sure I am. I’m honestly not sure on the Russian Roulette Emotion Wheel where I find myself. I know there have been sleep disturbances. I know there has been hella work and family stress. I know all of these things can effect bipolar like a sledge hammer through a glass vase.

I’ve felt physically ill since Saturday. I don’t know if it was mental or actual. I know my son had the same symptoms as part of what I was going through, so I want to believe its real, but again, mental health is a bitch! Exclamation Point! When you feel physically ill, what do you do? Grab a blankey and a pillow and rest. Right? Problem is (f bomb about to be dropped)…it fucks with your head. Am I sick? Am I depressed? Am I cycling? Am I not taking care of my body? I told myself I wasn’t going to go down this road and I was going to stay on top of it. Why are my thoughts so loud? Why can’t I follow my own damn train of thought. Focus! Etc… Feeling sick and crazy is a special kinda hell.

I told my husband last night, I’m tired of feeling like crap. When in fact its only been a few days, recently. I’m generalizing months, that in all honesty haven’t been that bad. I’m frustrated. I need to lose weight for my joints that don’t like me at this weight and want be free to do their thang. I want to run, I want to cycle (literally). I want to swim. I want to not hurt with every step I take and even sometimes as I sit. Its hard to lose weight when you really can’t have your weight on your joints. So, what action steps have I taken, because I have learned you can’t sit on the sidelines waiting for shit to change. You gotta be the change. I’ve changed my intake of water, by a lot! I average a gallon a day. I’ve done really well at cutting one thing at a time out of my diet, I’m just not leaving it cut out after my 30 days is up. I’m getting there. My supportive husband, told me to see a dr for help. We cannot afford another bill. Our insurance is terrible. I know I’ve told him more times than I can count that physical health is more important than money and that we can’t safely and securely have one without the other. I’m being a hypocrite right now, because I don’t want to cause my family another damn medical bill. Another step further in debt. I’ve reached out to a friend. To at least listen and hopefully guide me. She’s positive and seeks health and was part of a different journey I was on years ago. One that unfortunately didn’t last. I know, I need this one to.

So sitting in front of my computer, typing this, thinking that the title might not be accurate. I don’t feel sad. I feel anxious. I feel like I’m being judged for being sick, even though, that might not be reality. I know I shouldn’t give a tinker’s damn what others think of me (shout out to raerae, knowing there is no earthly way she’s reading this, that anyone is probably reading this). Other peoples opinions are none of my business. I know that I need to focus on what I do know is real and truthful. So I’m going to drink my stupid water. Watch for obvious mood changes or other signs that I’m swinging. I’m going to reach for the tools I have, for helps and tips on how to get more of my journey locked and loaded and full steam ahead.

One of the most important tools I have for myself is my faith. I know that some view faith as ignorance. That I truly don’t give a tinker’s damn about. My God loves me, as I am. Off top. My God means love. I need to surrender more of my journey to him because I do know that he knows and will lead me to the best life I can have. I believe every person on this planet deserves love and respect. Race, gender, sexual preference all of it. My Lord is love and wants me to love others as he loves me. I know that I am ignorant at times and I judge and shouldn’t. I am a creature of sin. The Dude I love upstairs is gonna fix all of that. I need to love myself as best as I can, like he loves me. Love the people I know and don’t to the best of my ability. And keep moving forward. Once I start on my knees with my hands folded. I can’t do this without Him.

I’m blessed. There is good in my life. Even in moments right now, where my brain isn’t registering it. When my heart is anxious and numb all that the same time. When my brain is racing and I’m trying to figure out how to focus it. If there is anyone reading this, I hope and pray that your world is a good place or that at the very least you can find good in it. That you reach for positive even when its dark as hell. Its pretty gray where I’m sitting. But perspective isn’t reality. Show love ya’ll. Especially to yourself. I’m trying. Signing off, how my funny, kind, loving, smart and crazy baby bear would. Peace!

2 subjects will be discussed in this blog. 1-daydreaming. 2-still working towards goals that could maybe possibly get me to the fiction my brain has wandered to the last few days. Still looking for positive. Still fighting when my body is fighting back. Why does change and improvement cause a fight. I mean, seriously, I’m working to better you. Get out the way, get out the way!

Daydreaming. I’ve heard catchy ways to describe fantasizing about the future as the best you possible. Can’t remember any of ’em right now to save my soul. But, here we go. The 1st one isn’t my 10 year self. Its my year and a half (Saturday) self. My 40th birthday party. I am so stinking excited about this party. Even if it happened tomorrow and my goals didn’t get hit. I can picture short beach wavy hair. My denim skirt and tee shirt that fit better than if I would even think about attempting them today. I’ve thought about that party a lot the last few days. The music, would I drink, what would be health-ish to drink. The sun shining. Celebrating at midnight that I hit 40. I lived to 40 years of age. My demons haven’t won. The enemy hasn’t won.

Then the daydream I didn’t expect to have. Public speaking (EEK, cue panic attack), telling my story and opening for Rachel Hollis at a Rise Event. Now, come on. This is about as far fetched as I’ve dreamt up in awhile. Not sure how my brain went there, but it did and it was kinda exciting to think about. It was overwhelming at the idea of talking about my trauma and coming out the other side. The idea that the fight I go through, every day could help someone or that anyone would want to hear.

Friday, my hubster got some not so great work news. He has a meeting today and is consumed with fear and straight up panic. “What if they fire me?” Instead of jumping on the freak out wagon, I reminded him of our tenacity as a couple and family. The things we’ve already overcome. How we can figure anything out because we always have. Honestly, I’m not sure if any of my words or attempts at comfort were received let alone sunk in. I do know that I surprised myself. My “word” for this month, to keep me going on this journey and creation of best me, etc is tenacity. I reached for that tool without a second thought. It was as easy as breathing. That was surprising to me. Not sure why, but it was.

My cubs have also blown me away. They were all in and wanting to do vision boards with me. Setting goals. Talking about ways to accomplish our goals and last night, babygirl, my goldie-locks who is as tiny as they get for an almost 11 year old, wanted to do yoga and stretching with me. She said, “Mom, we should do this every night.” I really do have an audience watching me right now. Baby Bear wants to work on his sleep schedule. Goldie her grades. They are seeing me want to be the best I can and they are too. How could I not be proud of that?

I started this chapter of this journey the middle of August 2019. Almost 6 months ago, and there have been bumps and set backs, but I’m still going. I’m still going to try to be a positive influence for my husband, my kids and anyone who wants to hang out along the way. I pray this post isn’t premature. All I can do is dig in and see what happens.

Happy Monday. Lets make it the best Monday we can, shall we?

As I type this I have two planner/calendars, a vision notebook and two other self improvement notebooks in front of me. These are not empty. These aren’t all to be used in the next 365 days. I am not jumping on a “plan” to create a new life today. The pursuit to make intentional steps to living my best life, started November 29th/30th 2018. Its been a long, inconsistent, bumpy ass road to today and honestly it still feels like a climb to Mount Everest to get closer to where I want to be.

I started 2019, convinced I was going to do whatever it took to be happy, thrive and feel joy in my current life. I work on that almost everyday. I have some pretty ugly demons I was keeping chained in the basement weighing me down that I’m still extinguishing. Trying to create stability and consistency with a mood disorder isn’t the easiest thing I’ve ever done. What started as an epiphany on a park bench in Waco, Texas turned into a tattoo. It turned into pushing myself physically to injury. It put me in therapy for the first time in years. Therapy turned into learning or being re-introduced to tools for self care. Me seeking out tools for self care and improvement put me on a path where I showed up for almost 90 days non-freaking stop to some level. That blows my mind.

Yes this post is to help me process some stuff in my brain. They always are. Its to help me working through all the parts of a dream I have going forward, BUT, its also to take inventory on everything I’ve done. A letter from my tenacity you could say. This year, I faced a lot of physical illness. I’m still here. This year, my hometown was flooded and lives/minds were tested to breaking points. I’m still here. I’ve experienced highs and lows in my job I didn’t think I was capable of surviving. I’m starting 2020 with almost 5k added to my salary because how much I do/how hard I work/how good I am. I’ve developed the deepest level of faith I have ever known. It has been tested. I have felt numb and completely disconnected from God because the mess my life felt like it was in. I’m still here. He hasn’t gave up on me. Some of the ugliest things memories of my past have floated to the surface and I can look at those moments and see them in a new light and type again, I’m still here.

Life is still kinda a freaking mess right now. I’m addicted to anxiety/sleep inducing meds to sleep at night. Right now anyone reading this, most likely just myself knows that. I don’t plan on sharing it and I know I need to. I’m still in pain with my knee. I never finished therapy. My family is in a difficult financial position and the stress is definitely taking its toll. We feel buried under a pile of debt that will never go away. My daughter is struggling with another round of adhd/anxiety issues and her feelings about her virtual attack this summer are rising to the surface. I know we need to get her in therapy again so that in 28 years she’s not trying to rebuild her life. I worry my son is starting to act out just so he can get the attention he sees his sister getting. We are all still grieving the loss of family members and pets so close to our hearts that when they past it felt like our hearts were shattered beyond repair. Last night my husband admitted to his depression returning. I know he isn’t happy with his job. Members of our family that I thought we cut the toxic cord to maybe coming back into the picture and I need to make sure I’ve found forgiveness so they have no power over me. I know 2020 is not going to be a cake walk at all.

Looking at my goal planner from the last 6 months, roughly, proves I care. So as I look at the one I’m going to start today, I want to walk through my 10 year dream. In 2030, on work-days I wake up at 4am. I go to the gym or for a run until 5 when I get ready to head into work. At 6am I’m a host on the morning show. On my lunch break I either meditate, pray, go for a walk or if needed workout. Drive to our house (wherever God plants us, even if its right where we are) and start dinner for my family. Daimon is a senior in high school and Ella is home on the weekends. Part of me still is the little girl that was convinced and wanted to be the first one in her family to have a college degree. Jeremy and others have said how over-rated it is, but its still on my heart a little. I weigh a minimum of 150lbs. I’m physically healthy. I do 5ks all the time. I go swimming on the weekends or for extended bike rides. I’m mentally stronger than I have ever been. I’m in regular therapy. I’m off anti-anxiety pills and now all I take are my bi-polar maintenance meds. I’m kind to myself. I show not only the outside world grace, but myself too. I don’t constantly think the worst. I have the tattoos I dream of. My grace cross, my mother daughter mental health ribbon I dream us getting together when she’s old enough. I picture my shoulder with more Magnolias and Lilies with the verse number from Matthew about how the lilies don’t toil in the field. I have my memorial tattoos for Killer and my babygirl Tilly. Typing those words brought tears to the surface. I’ve removed the tattoos I don’t like. That I rushed into impulsively, when I was sick. We go to church on Sunday mornings and I sing with the praise team or help when I’m needed in the technical booth because my talents are serving God. In my dream are things that I can’t control or work toward, they have to be from my husband. He has a strong faith too and I dream of watching him baptized and us renewing our vows in faith with God in the center of our family. I dream of being financially secured to help my children through college, to donate more to our church, to be a sponsor on Klove or a child in need. I volunteer with team-mates and united way and help support Mental Illness awareness, treatment and research. I’m a known member of our community that serves for those that can’t. Jeremy and I travel. We help each other with our travel bucket lists. I go run around the lakes or we camp with our kids.

My list has changed in someway. Some things from the original dream have fallen off. But I see the core ones re-emerge. I think after this very long blog post, I’m ready to move forward in my planning of the next 3 months. One step at a time but committed. Full of faith in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit that I’m going to need beside me and every step of the way. Thank you Lord for my blessings. Thank you for where I am right now. Thank you for helping me want to work towards more. In your great, awesome and holy name I pray, Amen.

After one of the longest, hardest but most “growing” years of my life, we have entered the season that I truly truly struggle with. Even when life isn’t throwing flaming shitballs at me non-stop, I dislike this time of year. The stuff. The exhaustion. The expectation. The disappointment. The hurt. To quote my other spirit “The noise, noise, noise…” I have said multiple times and continue to state 2019 can’t get the f*#! out soon enough.

This year has been different and even in the dislike a season of growth. My 10 year old, showed me that either through us teaching her or through therapy that she recognizes she has limitations. She had the ability to tell us no when it came time for one more thing. In that moment, she was my hero. I felt extreme pride for that little girl, especially when I’m not a great model of that. I think she gets that from her dad. As a Mama with mental illness all I want is to give my daughter, that has a similar host of challenges all the tools possible so that she doesn’t follow in my footsteps, and forges a path of her own, healthfully.

This season also opened up an opportunity for spiritual growth that has become more precious to me than words. I always want to grow in my faith. My number one goal that I write down almost every single day is, “I am an exceptional daughter of Christ.” Our church, challenged us and has guided through social media, us to read the book of Luke, this holiday season. I’ve only ever read one complete book in the bible as an adult and it was Ruth, because it was one of the shortest. Time with the word is something I want more of. Anyways, in this, my Children have read part of these passages to me. My part has exploded with love. They have fundamentally changed my faith. Every single part of it. Another time, they were my hero.

One night last week and last night I spent time on putting together gifts. I was putting my energy in to creating things for others. I want them to know I appreciate them. They aren’t huge flashy gifts, but they come from my heart. Parts of them came from the store, but they came from a Grinchy heart that is in a season of growth. Whether its 3 times its shriveled size because of the “noise” of the year and the emotion toll that has happened. There’s still alot to do. I know we’ll get it though.

I’m still extremely ready for the New Year. A new decade. The start of this year feels different. Not a grand list of plans to accomplish in one single year. But the energy to get up, every single morning and move forward. The only goal is to wake up each morning and make that day the best possible day I can as the best person or Mama Bear, I am. My pursuit of joy that I started 2019 is over. I find joy in something every day. I will always work towards that. Now the rest is just making the best life I can with the faith, prayers, tools and love I have. I don’t know how large a Mama Bear’s heart is but even in this year of abuse is the only word I can think of, it’s grown the same way the Grinch’s has.

Bring it 2020! I’m roarin’ ready to go!

Last November, 1 year ago, roughly, I swore I was going to find peace and thrive in the moment and build a happy life. A life free of mystery illness and anxiety and med changes and sleeping but not resting. Certain moments in the last year I thought, yes, I’m on my way, I’m doing this. Then there’s moments like on and off for the last month where I feel like I’m right back where I started, minus the beautiful Texas scenery that inspired my vision, goal, etc.

My mind is a mess right now. Im trying to take stock and evaluate all that’s gone on the last 6 months, because that when I really saw the most change, positive and negative. When I felt my best: Working out first thing in the morning. Doing my Start Today Plan. Drinking Water. Working towards my 10:10:1 goals. I’m still struggling with the 1 thing at time model, and I have to dial back my “all in” because I’m so driven and focused in those moments, I caused injury. Other than a walk around the block early this week and going through the fan marathon to watch football Saturday, I can’t remember the last time I went to the gym or worked out. I stretch, I do maintenance stuff at home, hoping its helping build my knee, but its not the rush I was pushing to. Maybe I was using that as a drug, so to speak. It felt great, when I did.

Going back to my 10:10:1- The concept is ten things you want your life to be in 10 years and focus/go all in on one goal at a time! Now, Rach, my hero, has kinda even contradicted herself a few times with this, but I’m loving her coaching and style. With the recent injury/mystery illness/emotional struggle, I want to re-evaluate those for the new year. The whole concept behind the last 90 days that I’ve been doing is building positive habits to continue into the new year. Great. Awesome. Fantastic. I love doing my gratitude list in the morning. There for awhile I was kinda trying to do them with the kids at night too, but then things happened and it just has fallen away from our routine, and it needs to get dialed back in. What’s something that I can do now, to start getting back on track. Water, water, water. I gotta dial back on some of the sugar too. Not cut out, just dial back. Sleep routine is mission critical. I’m sleeping to much at odd hours and not burning enough energy in the day to make it what I need it to be. I’ve listened to a Tim McGraw book lately and he said when he realized he needed to get his health on track he started with 30 minutes of walking a day. 30 minutes of movement is one of Rach’s 5 to thrive too. Coincidence, I think not. Two insanely successful, talented people. Lack of movement has got to be part of my issue. My knee situation is making workouts challenging though, but I know I need to get back at it. Gratitude, Sleep, Water, Movement. Oh my goodness. I’ve known how important these things are for my body and yet, I’ve, seriously let them slide, not committed or found excuses not to do them, and my body is in bad shape. Random injury’s, random infections, missed days at work, and most recently depression. Getting uglier and deeper by the day. My training the things I “know” aren’t registering. I need to be back to on fire ready to take on everything. I can’t let that have been a “manic” phase. I have to believe that is my potential and what I am capable of and keep going.

What can I do to help get these on track? I’m still doing my 5 things of gratitude in the morning, maybe I can modify our night routine. 730pm, tech gets turned off. Devotions get read of whomever wants to read them. We say our three-five grateful items each and then pray. I’ll go to bed with D and meditate or we can breathe there. Maybe. Water bottle in hand or in sight at all moments in time. Workout schedule. On Monday mornings, stretch and do 2 reps of knee/pt workouts. Tue-Fri, Gym. Ten minutes on seated elliptical. Tuesday and Thursday do 30 additional minutes on the arm bike. Wednesday and Friday, slow 20 minute walk and weights. Game plan! Now, need to feed the positive side. You doing what you need to today was mental health wellness, I hope.

Gonna pause hibernation today. Hopefully that holds out the depression for the day too and one step forward. I told Ella last week, “the slowest steps make for the fastest runs” I have to model that because thats the way God blessed me with this body. It goes slow. It heals slow. It wants to hibernate and eventually give up but if anything the last 38 years has taught me, its to keep going. I came out the otherside of a crappy childhood and no mental health help. I drank myself stupid and used alcohol as a coping mechanism/self medication in college and had no self esteem so I did whatever for whoever so someone would want me and I wouldn’t be alone. I slept with random guys to feel wanted when that relationship crashed and burned for the final time. My money has been messed up. I have flunked out of college. I’ve tried to end my life. God never gave up on me though. I found a dr to help me manage my bipolar with actual helpful meds to get me stable. I met my husband. I worked my ass off, still do. I may have flunked out of college, but I’ve gone back a few times and the last time I was on the deans list and got straight a’s. I’ve dealt with this before. I’ve gotten back up. God will help me stand up again. The fact that I’m already trying to figure out how is showing that Miss Hollis’ 5 to Thrive is exactly what my Heavenly Father wanted me to find. The enemy keeps trying to knock me down and hurt me but my God knows and helps me get back up.

One of Rach’s tools is to have a joy list. What things bring my joy? Medicine balls, hoodies, blankets, cuddles with my kids. Laughing. Music. Time to work on building some kick ass playlists, I think.

A little over a month fr0m 2020. Gonna do it all with a whole lotta grace (for myself as well) and a whole lotta hustle.

In the last 24-48 hours I’ve come to a realization and learned some new mental health terminology regarding or that seems fitting towards my mental health. Right now, I’m depressed. A few weeks ago I started noticing signs that I was terrified were mania. Then two weeks later I’m beyond irritable. I want to isolate myself. I want to drink. I want to binge eat. I don’t want to do anything that could possibly be healthy for me. Including this blog post. I finally told Jeremy yesterday. I’m also opening up more to El, about the stuff that goes on in Mommy’s brain. Not fun conversations.

When I was first starting to notice or suspect that this might be mild mania, I told Jeremy I was worried the bottom is going to fall out. I don’t know if it was really was mania and this is now depression coming out of it or if this is self fulfilled prophecy. The part that tripped me up is that it didn’t feel like a full on manic phase. I wasn’t overly positive or “the world is a great place/I’m the best ever/nothing can hurt me/I can do whatever the hell I want/etc”. I had energy, I’m working out at 4am. That’s a new one. I volunteered and was excited about joining a new group that works in the community. I was meeting with Pastor trying to set up a group for different needs parents. BUT, I was sleeping. I was still feeling negative emotion. I wasn’t scatterbrained to the point of looks and questions from friends and family members. I wasn’t speaking at the speed of light. This side of the coin definitely feels like a depression though.

Yesterday I heard and read two different terms that explain my life, or so I think a little. High Functioning Bipolar and Paranoid Catastrophizer. At my current stage of life these two terms couldn’t feel more true. High–functioning bipolar disorder, on the surface you appear to be perfectly fine. Bridges to Recovery list this as: You can care for yourself, you can engage socially, you can keep and even be exceptional at your job. Sometimes, this high level of function is the result of successful treatment; many people with bipolar disorder can live full, rich, and productive lives with appropriate supports. Sometimes, however, functionality is a survival mechanism, barely letting you keep your head above water as you navigate the obstacles of your illness. What is interpreted as high functionality may, in fact, be symptoms of the illness; the increased energy, sense of possibility, happiness, and flourish of ideas that seemingly enhance your professional and personal life could be signs of mania or hypomania. Left unabated, these episodes may not only be destructive in and of themselves, they may also instigate mood switching and contribute to long-term changes in the brain. Awesome!

Paranoia involves intense anxious or fearful feelings and thoughts often related to persecution, threat, or conspiracy. …  Before I just assumed this was anxiety. “Catastrophizing” -he individual responds to this situation by immediately focusing on the “worst case scenario” of what the trigger experience might mean, or might become. This term I learned from my Pastor. Holy Crap on a Cracker.

So here I am, knowing I’m in a poopy place. Knowing I don’t want to be. Not only for me, but for my family, my Cubs. Yesterday, I forced myself to be productive. Today I forced myself to get up and go to the gym. Even though I want to crawl under my desk, curl up in a ball and go to sleep. I know I need to keep going. Showing grace to myself, but I can’t isolate myself and checkout of life, because I’m in the hole.

God, please help me.

As I’m typing this, I know that its not the right time to open up about this again. I got some advice about the life skill of compartmentalizing emotion and only opening the boxes at one time of day. Instead of letting the trauma fill your brain and take over your life. Enter me. Here. Right now. The compartments are overflowing, so are my tears and I feel so sick. I’m praying that will every fiber of my being that even though its way before 840, if I start re-hashing this mess, it will feel better.

Last week, someone on a social media app, targeted my daughter. My sweet little girl was sent pictures on an app I didn’t know she had that no ten year old should see. He told her to do things she didn’t understand. He told her to video herself to send to him. He threaten her so she wouldn’t stop or tell. Then she did just that. She was silent until days later when my husband and I found out by seeing them. Lord, Jesus, just typing this makes me sick. We went to the police. We have assured her so many times that she’s not in trouble. She didn’t do anything wrong. But here mama did. Her mama didn’t protect her. Her mama agreed to giving her the damn phone, when her gut told her no. Her mama didn’t think she needed to worry about anything like this, and yet, here we are. I spent the rest of last week in shock. Numb. Guilt was there, yeah. Anger, a little. Mostly, numb. My faith seemed so far away. I felt, still do a little for that matter, like I’m floating outside of my body. I failed my little girl. Mama Bear didn’t protect her cub and can’t attack the one who attacked her. On the top ten of the worst sentences a parent should ever have to say, I failed my child.

I was so focused for months on being the best me and improving who I am, that I neglected my most important job. A mom. I’ve looked up the steps to recovery from crap like this. I seem to be on track. Yay! Its normal to feel like a piece of poo poo and wanting to crawl into a spherical like object and decompose. This year in particular, I recall being very determined and focused on fixing/improving. When this happened, I jumped into fix mode even though I still didn’t know what all was broken or if my heart, even, was still beating, since I was so numb. Now the grief is pulling me in.

Lord, Jesus, Christ Almighty, I beg to you. Help me. Deep down I know you are. Logically I know you are behind the scenes and only will allow good to happen and your plans are better than my wildest dreams. But right now, I can’t. You seem so far away. Please Lord. Hear my prayers.

Today marks one full week of me being 38 years old. I tried like hell to have a positive attitude going in to my birthday and was quickly met by a craptastic poo storm. The good stuff… I got my fitbit that I have wanted for a really long time to help with my health goals. YAY. My kids and husband gave me very sweet thoughtful small gifts for my birthday. YAY. Our new cat ran away. But he was found the next day. Boo and YAY. My debit card was compromised and we had fraud on our account. BOO. It could have been way worse financially, and its just a few things to wrap up. Yay-ish. I caught a hellacious cold that I’m still fighting (going into my 5th day). No comment. I have had the energy to get back to the gym and just walk on the treadmill. Yay. We, meaning my family (all 4 of us), have been making plans for the next weekish to spend time together. YAY! Last night the kids wanted movie night and my spouse, who struggles with his own mental health poopy heads, made suggestions and was present for it AND we all enjoyed watching it. No whining because it wasn’t what the kids wanted to watch. It was one of he and my favorite movies. YAY YAY YAY! So take away, it was definitely life. Good and bad, but in retrospect, there was really more good than bad. I just lost sight ALL of the good.

So now what? I’m struggling at work. There are some personality clashes and my patience and fuse for all work related things is definitely getting shorter by the minute. That being said, I don’t think I’ve had true time off without stressing about something or logging in to do something since December. I was getting sick for that round of time off too. I’m sure like the negativity I was focusing on I’m missing time off. I’m missing breaks, but other than sick kids, I truly can’t think of restful time off, since November when I got to live a dream and go to Waco for a few days. And that definitely came at an emotional cost. It was amazing, I wouldn’t trade any of those experiences for anything. It opened my eyes and was truly a life changing trip. God put me where I need to be for a light bulb to finally turn on. That being said, I haven’t really done anything to shut my work brain off since. Its always in sleep mode and jumps back on at the slightest movement/thought/comment. This has brought some really positive things. Gonna try and focus on that first. I’ve learned new things. I’ve met challenges and exceeded expectations, even my own. My coworkers continue to know my dedication to my job and why I love what I do, but I think its almost like parenting in the fact of I love it, I wouldn’t change it (mostly), it is a complete blessing but I need a break. My patience is shot. One of the things I’ve done this year is start counseling. It has helped me tremendously with tools to work on my temper and simmer down sometimes. I’m successful most of the time. I’m blessed to have a sounding boards that help me unload. I still have a lot of insecurity. I’m not sure how to deal with that and that’s part of next weeks adventure.

I took a week off starting on Monday. Knowing my struggles, its going to be a 100% break starting Tuesday, but starting this weekend I will mostly be on vacation. This isn’t a sit on my butt and do nothing kinda vacation. This isn’t another get away from home/trip vacation, although it could be as life changing as the last. I’m spending next week with my family and caring/building my life. Family time won’t be all four of us all of the time but I’m spending next week on an adventure to work on my life. Monday, Buggy and I are going to meet with her doctor about her mental health. Her doctor is a little over an hour away so, girls road trip! I notice more and more that she is becoming a teenager and she needs me to help her navigate that as much as possible. My teenage years weren’t the greatest of my life, but I do want to help her as best I can. Tuesday, we, all four of us are going to an amusement park for the first time. In the last few weeks I’ve been blessed with moments of all of us happy or having fun at the same time. Its something I’ve missed. My kids have missed. I’m so freaking excited. Now, I know we will have annoyed passengers from the early wake up and drive. I know there will be fighting and patience testing moments, but I’m over the moon excited for the other moments that have proven to tip the poo scale in the other direction. Wednesday, I’m going to the dr to see if my hormone levels have gone all whackadoodle and maybe get answers on how to help me health, more. I’m going to do some reading and other self-care work. Also hoping to get some water park time in since we have lived back in Fremont for 7 years, almost, and haven’t been there yet. There are other no as fun projects I hope to accomplish, but they all have some benefit. Pulling weeds, doing yard work, odd as it sounds it is kinda self care. The visual of accomplishment is awesome. I’m hoping to paint my front and side door. Again, self care in that its something I’ve wanted to do since we moved in two years ago. Accomplishment builds confidence. It also will be a few days of one on one for parts of the day with my Bear. I will get one on one with both of my babes without a work distraction or trying to balance my attention between them. That is what I’m look forward to the most. Time with my family in different aspects that’s been missing for a really long time. I’m praying this break will also recharge my batteries and give me an opportunity to come back refreshed and ready to tackle more goals.

I have big items on my to do list for 38. I’m not going to wait til I’m almost 40 and freak out. My huge take away from Waco was to thrive. So here’s to thriving for the next 51 weeks. Regardless of the situation. Surrendering to my Lord and thriving in all of the blessings he’s given me and look to him while I try to navigate what the enemy tries to take away with craptastic moments/events. Bear roar/mic drop!

If anyone is actually reading this, and I know they aren’t, but if anyone ever does there is a whole lot of ups and downs in these posts. This one, will be positive though. Parts of my “dream” life, have become a reality. I’m back to working out and eating better, that I’ve struggled with since I started working full time. I’m averaging 5 workouts in 7 days. A year ago that would have seemed laughable. I did try to do a running app today and that is definitely going to be a work in progress. I have kicked ass at work! I feel like I’m actually not drowning, God willing, for now. Worship has been very regular and needed. Even the ugly cry last week. God chipping away at me. I feel like “me”. My identity in Him. Sunday, we had a great family time at the pool. We were all happy. Now, this was met with Jeremy being in physical hell yesterday and my patience was a little shorter than its been, but I’m not going to be perfect all the time. I’m making progress in my assignments and feel like I’m starting to Thrive. The point of this whole year. Since I stepped foot in Waco. Since I found Romans 15:13. Lord, I surrender to you. Thank you so much for right now and all that lead to it. Please help me not throw it away. In your name with my whole heart I pray, amen.