I’m am trying to navigate the waters of mental health. One of the things I’m praying to gain is the ability to speak when I’m upset. Right now, once the switch gets flipped, regardless if its too much or not (working on that too), I must walk away. I am silent. I am incapable of forming logical words that will resolve or be constructive in any disagreement or discussion. The bear will come out and anything will be a growl or roar. Right now, that’s causing additional damage in my relationship. My communication style or lack there of in the heat of the moment, is creating more strife.

In the thirteen years I’ve known and been with my husband I have never been able to communicate in a fight. It comes out as inaudible screams and tears. Right now, we are in a season in our marriage where to be blunt, are failing at multiple things. We are both trying to get a hold of our own demons and learn how to rise above them. We also need to be a team for our daughter who is only 10, and fighting her own demons and mental/emotional instability. Kinda a perfect storm situation for issues.

Physical presence does not equal presence to me. It does to him. It doesn’t equal participation to me. It does to him. Yes, I’m perfectly aware that we need couples counseling as well as whatever is going on individually, but until I’m in a better place, I can’t go there.

So, riddle me this batman. What is more deadly, a silent bear that needs to walk away and needs to breathe before she engages in any communication with her mate? Or a bear that sees red and is ready to come out swinging? Growling because she can’t speak and ready to tear or dismember anything in her path. What is going to be more damaging to my marriage and family? ‘Cause right now, a Mama Bear can’t win for losing.

There was an article I read yesterday about working mom’s drowning in stress because of the impossible to win work-life balance beat down. Back in the dream world this weekend I dreamt of this catastrophic borderline apocalyptic event that I was in the middle of and instead of searching for my family or fighting to keep them safe, I was working. Talk about a poopy pants Mama. Waking up from that one really really bothered me. I’ve been better or I felt better about balancing things out, but that dream made me think not so good thinks.

Another business article talked about failing at work is your best opportunity for growth. When I first got this management position in a male dominated industry I drove hard. It caused a riff in my marriage and I’m sure my children felt not so great feels also. I doubt failing at parenting/wifey-ing is the same opportunity. I want my kids to know that hard work pays off. I want them to know how unconditionally and impossibly I love them. Why does it need to be an either/or situation? Guilt and feeling like a failure are not the tools for mental “health”. This weekend Daddy Bear had to work and I definitely got a glimpse of failing or sucking as a single parent. Watching my husband labor to listen to me vent about how wrong everything was, didn’t feel the best either.

So now, I pray. I’m praying that God guides me to do my best. I pray that I find mental peace in all arena’s of my life. I pray, God, to make my family stronger in faith, love, and happiness together. I pray for a way to have a mentally healthy work-life balance relationship thingy in all aspects of my life so that its in service to Him and following his path.

Stay tuned…

Fighting. Somedays its all I feel I do. Fight for my sanity. Fight for my family. Fight my demons. Fight the enemy. I gotta be honest, ya’ll, I’m tired. Last night in my dreams, I even had the image of a bear fighting a crocodile. I woke up thinking WTF was that? Me being me though, I started to analyze it upon my next breath. There are many theories on dreams. One, that dreams are merely memories moving from one part of the brain to the next. Another, that there signs intertwined. My personal theory on it, was, now I’m literally fighting in my dreams through symbols.

This week has been a full of mental fighting. I saw my counselor and my daughter had a crippling panic attack and saw her prescribing mental professional. Tuesday, my counselor said something that has stuck in my brain. “She has her own team, and you are on it, but if your going to be the most effective teammate, you have to be healthy too. This is to help YOU get healthy.” Fine dammit I get it. I’m working on meditation, I’m got the workbook she talked about. I’m going to try to remember that conversation every time I feel like I’m starting to slip or deflect my attention to fixing my daughter instead of myself. Yesterday, we saw her LMP for her med switch because now we need to start treating her for ADHD instead of depression and mainly anxiety for a pre-bipolar diagnosis. Another battle to fight, but I know, I’m not ready.

I had a conversation with one of my best friends earlier in the week because I asked for prayers for my little. It turned into a deeper conversation than expected. I was told, that their little was in the hospital. The answer that little was given for pain that couldn’t be explained was to say “Jesus”. So yesterday I told my oldest cub the same. We both need all the tools we can get our paws on for our fights. We all need to say Jesus.

My family constantly is fighting or so it seems. I was so excited when Mama and Daddy Bear got married. It wasn’t a drama day. Things seemed to fall into place. It seemed easy. It feels like its been a constant fight or battle/shit show since. We “celebrate” 12 years in August.

So, now what? Say “Jesus”. Pray fearlessly knowing God is in our corner and with him I can go full on David against any Goliath. Learn to take care of myself more and some of what I thought was “self care” is actually more destructive. Learning what to do instead. Then being the best team-mate I can be for my amazing daughter and fight hard as hell against any crocodile attacking my family.

After my lack of sleep on Saturday, I woke up too early and ended the day, too early. I did the volleyball thing with my daughter, and actually kinda dug it. Makes me want to get involved more. Then, our house was quiet, we didn’t have plans, so I wanted to spend time with my family and got shot down like I was under attack from a firing squad.

I did the only thing I knew to do when I’m attacked, personally. Retreat. I went to the lake by myself and just walked around. The breeze guided some spray to my face and I could close my eyes and take deep breathes.

Then I went home to another attack. “Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving.” Damned if I do… I was trying to calm down or it could have been ugly. It felt ugly anyway. It still feels ugly. That’s part of trying to get mentally healthy though, right? Rip off the old that doesn’t work and re-build. With everything I found myself in bed by 5pm sick as hell with a migraine. Its only occasionally lifted since. Today its more heartache that’s the cause of my woes. Spent a lot of mental/emotional energy in the “what if” bear trap still.

Where’s my bible? Mama Bear needs help!

There are many many different types of traps. I’ve fallen in a few today. My favorite though is over analyzing mood and mental health status. Am I happy or am I in trouble? Are my levels off? Have my meds stopped or are they actually working correctly for a change (been lots of changes lately)? Am I on a one bear mission to Mars? Its been two good days in a row. That can’t be right. I have had rough sleep and I’m less bitchy, what’s up with that? Good times, great oldies!

Then there’s the other obsessive thoughts. The really painful “what if” traps. What if I wouldn’t have gone to college? What if I had finished the one I did? What if that relationship had worked vs the one that’s barely hanging on some days now? “What if we both made the wrong choice in getting married? What if I had made this choice or that choice? I keep trying to remind myself of Ester and Jeremiah. “For I know the plans I have for you…” and “You were made for such a time as this” (prolly goofed that one up a bit). What if I haven’t heard God enough and I’m not on the right path? He doesn’t make mistakes, but what if I’m not following where he wants me to go, do, be?

I should be asleep right now. But I had caffeine way to late (I’m praying that’s why) and now I’m wide awake with a racing brain. Mood/mental health trap. Is this anothor sign? In a few hours I get to do something new. Coach a bunch of 9 year and 10 year olds in Volleyball. Not prepared. Not looking forward to it. But wasn’t able to say no.

Wishing my brain would let me sleep. Now its almost too late though. I pray I can make a nap happen later and I can maneuver around the traps I’ve been almost non-stop the last two weeks.

Lord, please quiet my thoughts. Remember more and more the words you have said in your book and to know I am where I am supposed to be. This is the life that you want me to have and that I need to keep following you and it. Help me help others that need you. In your name I pray. Amen

I’m becoming increasingly aware of how sleep plays a role in my and others I love, mental health. My daughter who is in the middle of her personal hell was up at 430 this morning. So, Mama Bear was up at 430. Then my mind spirals about her sleep. If she doesn’t sleep whats her day going to be like? Is she having a mood situation? Is this part of the ADHD that for some reason I’m struggling to accept even though its been obvious to Others.

Being bipolar, sleep is like oxygen. From the outside, my husband more specifically I’m sure it looks like I sleep all the time. But in an 8 hour stretch, I’m lucky if I get maybe a total of 5 hours. I cut caffeine at a certain hour, I go to bed early so that I can attempt to get more, but it doesn’t help. I did a sleep study at home and it came back inconclusive. I stopped there. I was so frustrated I just stopped looking for an answer or the “cure”. I know that when I’m tired, I’m irritable. My irritability has become a hair trigger, and I was praying that my med change would help. I guess, if all goes to plan (hahahahahaha), I’ll know by May 1st, everything should be leveled off, and I’ll know how the hell bitch fits into my range of personalities.

I was thinking about my therapy session. The things that I need to accomplish/address. I don’t know if that’s part of sleep deprivation or what. Like how alcohol is a truth serum. That my being tired and my meds being off right now that my level of observation and already weak filter is letting the bear poop fly.

Several times I’ve looked on my facebook page for good and the demons I need to stay away from a lot lately. I know I need to look to God and find my self worth and beauty. Not comments from others. I also have been reminded in actual pics, statements, to stop looking back. I know it. I understand it. I’ll be damned if I don’t get caught in a trap every time. Even those in broad daylight, clear sight.

More than anything I want to climb in my bed, and hibernate. Shut the world off and let it pass me by for a few months. But I’m not a real bear. That’s not an option. God made me in his image and beautiful and wonderful for a reason. He knew me and who I need to be before I was in my mother’s womb. I need to open my eyes. Thrive in his glory and how amazing those truths are instead of seeking demons that don’t last and recognize they are the enemy. If I’m willing to fight off anything that comes my way to protect the ones I love, I need to remember to fight for myself, with the strength of a bear, and rip the enemy apart.

I woke up this morning with the still defeated feeling in every part of my fur. My biology has failed my daughter. Completely out of my control, logically I know, but when you’re mentally unstable it feels like a knife deep down. The old familiar demons gladly wake up and wrap every cell in a blanket of hate and guilt. “You did this to her. Even she blames you. You were warned not to have kids for this reason and you didn’t (language) fucking listen. (Trigger warning) They would all be better off without you. Go bury yourself in a bottle.” Now, let me follow that rant off with, I’m not suicidal and I’m not an alcoholic. I didn’t physically harm myself in anyway other than ugly crying and going for a 30 minute walk at a speed that made breathing difficult. I did have 1 glass of red wine before bed and I now have confirmation that I’m not stable.

This morning I feel full on zombified. I tried filling my ears with music that was hopeful. Trying to figure out how to survive vs there’s no possible way to thrive my way out of it. Now what? I know I need to find God. Pray. Keep going.

Part of getting myself mentally healthy was to also get myself physically healthier.

Right now, I just want to say fuck it, to all of it.

Mental illness is a bitch. Sorry for the language but it flat out sucks beyond words. Its a living hell that no one should experience. My wonderful family of four has been smacked upside the head with the mental illness branch at many levels. Mama Bear, not quite stable herself can’t fight it. Can’t attack it back to protect her loved ones. Tonight, she ended up being the bad bear in the den.

A few years ago our beautiful, giggly little girl was diagnosed with ADHD, but several people, teachers and her father and I didn’t believe it. It didn’t add up in comparison to obvious cases that we knew of. Then a little while later she started being almost crippled with fear and anxiety. So then we thought, ADHD and bipolar are often mistaken for the other, and with Mama Bear being bipolar II, we started working on meds for anxiety and depression. That was May 2018. Here we are a few months shy of a full year and we are in a worse spot than we have ever been.

I took her to a psychologist today and she re-confirmed the ADHD diagnosis. So I’ve been desperately looking for answers, calling her prescribing doctor, looking through self help section of Amazon. Still so many questions. Still so much guilt that I’ve been pushing for medication for the wrong thing because I was so convinced it had to be bipolar. Metaphorically, clawing and attacking myself for anything that could be my fault. It didn’t help that she is mad at me too. I took her to counseling today and she doesn’t like counseling because “talking about her feelings doesn’t help”. She wouldn’t even sit next to me. My loving usually very cuddly 10 year old looked at me like I was a monster. I already feel like the monster that gave her faulty genes and not getting her the correct mental help. To see that look an was attack of the cruelest most painful I’ve experienced. So my own mental/emotional ragefest happened.

Now its time for sleepy time and prayers that the lord that is merciful and beautiful and faithfully good has this covered. We’ll continue to work for answers and the “right” solution. She’s forever my cub. God gave her to me to love and protect, I will do so with every breath I have, even when she starts to lash out and claw at me.

Irritants. They are everywhere and we find them, or at least I do. Its strange since I made the decision or choice that I was going to only accept thriving in my life versus surviving the irritants and pain of it, the more irritants and pain or challenges I’ve found. Some of the most drastic to be exact. I’ve been told or read that the enemy only attacks what you want when its something that put’s him in jeopardy. Less biblical, the more you want something the harder it is to get it.

So in searching for this whole healthy, self-care world, I’m trying to find ways to maneuver said irritants and pain. Starting this blog, taking a long baths, journaling, trying to be better organized so I’m less rushed, etc.

Then today out of no where an irritant, stabbed its way directly into my metaphorical paw and sent my heart racing and actually hurting with frustration, anger and pain. That quick. Spent the morning, for the most part focusing on how I can successfully thrive, for one little thorn, one little piss ant, one thing send me back to the world of red and black anger, insecurity and my blood boiling to the point that I couldn’t figure out how to get my heart to stop literally racing.

So my mind tried to race faster back to my self-care list that I’m trying to find the right tools I need for any gotta fix it situation. Meditation. So I grabbed my phone and looked for the first free app. I think I went through three of them and I actually dosed off, thankfully. The dreams were just as irrational feeling inducing though. Insecurity, unable to maneuver a situation, physical set backs and then a text alert brought me back to awake. My heart isn’t racing anymore, but its definitely still hurting. So I’m grabbing this tool.

I don’t want that insignificant thorn or piss ant to bring Mama Bear’s rage to the surface and attack those I love in some cases more than anything.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. May the God of HOPE fill you with all JOY and PEACE as you trust in him, so that you may OVERFLOW with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

God, please help me find the tools I need to thrive. The tools that will help me be filled with JOY and PEACE. So that I maybe the best Mama Bear, I can be.

The last month has been very roller coaster like. Wrapping up March thinking about how it all went down. Blizzards, illness, historic floods and my father in law moving in because his house was damaged, issues with my daughter as we are trying to help her with her own mental health, insane work schedules, hair trigger tempers, marriage clashes and the beginning of a journey to get healthy to help with at least 5ish of said items.

I started therapy/counseling on Tuesday. So I’ve had a lot for my already constantly over analyzing brain to ponder. This week on top of worries about my daughter and some realizations or actually speaking thoughts to my counselor my marriage took an ugly cry meltdown.

My husband and I are very different people. He has his own mental health journey that I’ve begged him for so long to get help with and he has started, with a very reluctant heart. When my therapist asked me if I had a happy marriage, I explained our marriage as an I don’t know marriage. I see my path. I see my goals. I see me always wanting to improve who I am. I don’t see those things in him. I see him in the same spot and not wanting to move from it. So if one path moves forward while the other doesn’t, when, or do they end up next to each other with a future. After a week of very hurt feelings and anger and then that discussion it all came together in a nicely concocted crazy stew that left one hell of a hangover yesterday. I sobbed about my insecurity and the comments that had been made that were fuel on the fire. I know I should be content and capable of being my own cheerleader (1st comment that set emotion cyclone into motion), but I’m not. I have the confidence of a pebble. I don’t mean the badass rocks that took down Goliath. Being shot down to physical affection was another great moment of the week, and the final ingredient was comments about how we were parenting wrong that I took personally. Add all of those things, throw in seeing a friend for 20 years that I’ve missed and a counseling session where feelings are supposed to be addressed and I wound up sobbing on my shower floor Friday night. After I thought I collected myself but still feeling completely defeated, I climbed into bed. My husband came in and started playing on his phone. Before I knew it, I was crying til I couldn’t breath explaining how hurt I was. How angry I’ve been because of that hurt and that insecurity. I was in the middle of another full on ugly cry, maybe after an hour of the first one.

Yesterday after all of that crying, I woke to two very puffy eyes and a busy schedule. I did find joy in moments of it, but my heart is still heavy. No amount of caffeine could wake me up. Then after all of the activities planned for the day wrapped up, a train wreck of a headache turned migraine hit me head on, no pun intended. I think I laid in bed for 3 hours yesterday. I spent some of that time praying. There have been so many prayers lately. Then my mind started racing to how I could “self-care” my way out of the zombie state I found myself in.

Today, one kid woke up ill or not necessarily feeling well and my husband in bed with a migraine. Missed church, when I know that’s where my heart needs to be. I want to be filled with energy to work on organize the chaos of our life. Feeling as the ringmaster of our family circus, it is my circus, it is my monkeys, I need to get the monkey poop in a group. So I’m starting here first. If blogging/journaling is a self care tool I’m going to try and get things out now. Then maybe, I will go to church by myself at 1030. I want to open the anxiety book my daughter’s therapist gave me weeks ago and maybe get insight into myself as well as how to help her and things to discuss in her doctor appointment tomorrow. Clean and organize small things I see along the way. Breathe and put one foot after the next. The hangover has lifted. I pray yesterdays self-care tasks and those planned for today will help prevent another week that builds into another ugly cry, tear and snot filled eruption followed by worse than any drink or drug hangover.

God, you know I just typed helped me first, but deleted, because I said I want to say thank you more than that. Please be with those in need. Regardless of their needs, please. In your name, I pray. Amen